I look on in satisfaction as Liam makes my views on Kelly Jones and the Stereophonics known from the pulpit.
So, you ask yourself why I just insulted
1) Welsh people
2) Talentless people
3) Kelly Jones (coming last because he's least important)
Well for those of you unaware of Kelly Jones' existance, good for you, he's a twat. He's the singer from
The Stereophonics (shite band, shite singer). He has commited a catalogue of sins, all of which I take personally,
and so should you.
First and foremost, he writes songs which consist largely of two chords repeated over and over, with, if you are lucky, a few different chords near the end,
if you can be fucked to listen that long. Either that or he produces songs which whilst eerie due to the efforts of the bassist, consist of chords formed with
two fingers only, and we're not talking powerchords, oh no.
Secondly, he sounds suspiciously like Bryan Adams. Not only is this annoying, it also indicates the slaughter of Bryan, and theft of his larynx, which, when you look at it, is probably against
the law. But at least it stopped him perfoming crap songs with ex pop starlet Mel C (and they always said the "C" stood for Chisholm...hmm.
Personally I think the word is considerably shorter and more offensive...)
Thirdly, and to my mind, the most offensive, moronic, bitchy, snobby and generally jihad provoking action was his verbal attack on Muse and more specifically,
Matt Bellamy of Muse. Having referred to Muse as a "Radiohead tribute band" (not that Radiohead are bad, no siree...just the front of the man...) and to Matt
( bless 'im) as "a bit of a nob", I think this alone is grounds enough for me to lead a screaming mob to his house waving torches and pitchforks. Matt Bellamy's reaction
was one of shock and confusion. It turns out Jone's ridiculous and girly outburst was provoked by Muse supposedly refusing to support them unless they
were paid a good deal more than the Stereophonics were offering. It has since emerged that no such demand was made, at least not by Muse who were apparently
entirely unaware they had been requested by the Welshman with ideas above his station and a complete lack of height.
But still Kelly Jones, a short welsh-born "guitarist" with a girl's name, who had the cheek to insult Matt Bellamy, who is quite evidently a much better guitarist and singer/song-writer
than Jones, has refused to retract his comments.
AND SO THE BATTLE BEGINS
How To Join
It's quite simple. Send an e-mail to the
usual address
with the subject header "We Hate Kelly Jones He Is A Real Sillyhead". In return we will not send you a badge, starter pack, regular newsletter
or free entry to various country fairs and military displays full of mad old people. We will, however, acknowledge your existance through the miracle of e-mail, and register you among the
doubtless clamouring thousands of those who wish to destroy Kelly Jones and his memory utterly.
Our Aim
To make Kelly Jones apologise and withdraw his comments. Failing this, we will be compelled to use necessary force
to deal with his insolence and basic existance. We wish to return Bryan Adam's larynx, because at least he doesn't get played on alternative radio.
We also wish to repatriate Jones to somewhere for long enough that he ceases to be Welsh. Somewhere like Russia, perhaps Siberia,
in one of the old ghoulags.
If you happen to be reading this and are welsh, we're very sorry.
Ok, that was cruel. I don't hate welsh people, not at all. It's just that it could technically be seen by the vast majority of the English
as a flaw in Kelly Jone's make up. So sorry. You are very welcome to support our efforts to destroy this despicable person who gives your
beautiful *gags* homeland a bad name. We love you all really.
Well, there's been quite a response to my outburst, both in favour of my views and also very much against. Stay tuned for some of the more stupid e-mails we've received, as well as some of the ones in support, if I can be arsed. I'd like to say thank you to all those who have insulted us so far, your comments have been read and laughed at. Wangaaaah!
